The Downward Spiral into Self-Destruction
On music, self-harm, suicide, and how the mind seeks destruction in trying to keep us safe.
The insidious voice of self-destruction.
Trent Reznor’s whispered voice resonates through my soul as it rises to exultations to the violence of despair. When it was released in 1994, day after day I listened to The Downward Spiral, Reznor’s second music album.
Nine Inch Nails has always been my anti-sermonous shout-out to religious family members who demonized my inclusiveness of the world instead of their narrow intolerance. No matter how straight I followed religious lines, my inner critic reminded me daily of the words echoing through my young mind. You’ll never be good enough.
In my youth, I was a pretty hate machine, full of self-hatred for what others thought of me.
The Downward Spiral
With its dark industrial sounds, heavy metal influence, techno, and computerized sounds, The Downward Spiral is an aggressive and dirty look into the hatred and abuse of the self. His music bubbles up into your subconscious with its percolating industrial scores and unrelenting tone and voice beckoning towards the abyss.
I think it works.
Trent Reznor’s “Mr. Self Destruct” tells you “I am the voice inside your head / And I control you.” How strange the subconscious is and how our past experiences can become malevolent voices we do not hear but obey. How easy it is to hate ourselves. How easy it was for me to hate myself for so long. How difficult it is to change the story within ourselves and find peace.
I’m here to tell you it is not only possible, but anyone can do it.
Trent Reznor wrote The Downward Spiral while depressed, addicted to drugs, and in conflict with a band member. He also created the album in the house Shannon Tate was murdered in because of the studio (known as Le Pig).
I listened to this album shortly after graduating from high school on long walks to escape my own depression. That invisible voice doesn’t always tell you why you are in pain, just that you need to do something about it.
You cannot control what others do or think, so your brain finds other ways to deal with the pains of the world. Your brain creates another story. It was your fault. You are not enough.
For Reznor, creating the album was a cathartic release. There is a lot of energy in his work. His choice of instruments reverberates through you when you listen. His lyrics are harsh and twisting. He's an explicit storyteller, not really writing for the shock I don't believe, but also not shying away from the context that will cause many to hate his work.
He was able to channel all the emotions he was feeling into an external force. He allowed the pain to pass through him.
I Hurt Myself Today
For me, his work was a release of tension. The songs detail the slow descent of a man towards suicide. It is a brutal journey, one that I could relate to. I can only speak to my own experience, but let’s just say I had a less-than-stellar childhood: bullying, beatings, emotional and physical abuse to name the easier ones.
The songs he had created allowed me to feel everything inside and release some of what I was feeling. It didn’t release everything I had experienced, but I was able to feel some relief. Sometimes it isn’t enough. What I’ve learned is you have to make your own change, not piggyback off of someone else’s. Just like Reznor poured his heart into his music, I would have to find my own way to release the pains I’d held onto.
You don’t realize what you bury in your subconscious. You can numb yourself to your past and watch it bubble up when you least expect it. You can bury it for years.
You can see everything in your life going right and it doesn’t matter because inside everything feels empty. You can inadvertently destroy the lives around you. You might feel the spiral tearing through your emotions or you might find yourself causing yourself physical pain to feel something or escape what you do not want to face. Either way, this can easily lead to your subconscious whispering ways to avoid the pain for good.
And that’s the thing. It is against our nature to seek suicide. The Downward Spiral songs relate to the loss of self through the experience of a pain he can no longer endure. The voice is the “Ruiner.” In “I Don’t Want This,” “Eraser,” and other songs, Reznor shows that the narrator doesn’t want to end this, but at the same time, he feels there is no other choice. This is a common feeling for those who have suicidal thoughts. Mark Leary states:
We can’t stop the flood of distressing self-talk and sometimes look for ways to escape our own thoughts.
But, these incessant negative thoughts can spin people into chronic depression that then fuels even more negative thoughts, making people more miserable and the future look increasingly bleak, and increasing emotional pain and despair. And at some point, when they’ve reached the limit of torment they can endure, some people (particularly those with a biological predisposition for major depression) may consider suicide to stop the pain. From the outside, we think their lives are going fine. Inside, their negative ruminations have created an intolerable hell.
The truth is, we all have to look deep within ourselves. We have to examine the pains that exist there, pull them out. It’s okay to ask for help. Asking for help can be the greatest feeling you can experience. Even if you are exhausted, or in pain, or desperate to let go, it is worth getting help. I know you are worth it.
I know I was worth it. I reach out every day to let others know they are worth it. We all deserve to know our worth.
If you feel self-pity, this is a good album to rage against yourself with. Scream with the furious guitars, get it out of your system, move on, or choose the spiral, it’s always a choice. I hope if you feel the spiral, and we all do to some degree, but if you feel yourself slipping towards the edge of the abyss, I hope you will reach out for help.
Look in the mirror. You are enough. Breathe. You have a lot to give. There is so much out there to make you happy. Let it in. Grow. That person in the mirror deserves your love and maybe throw on some NiN and thrash to some really good tunes.
